Bleh…

I have been in Georgia for almost two weeks now and I have loved it so far but not today. The past two days have been really hard for me. This week in CGA we have been going over speeches and practicing them. If you don’t know this about me I ABSOLUTELY HATE public speaking.

I hate the way I feel when I stand in front of people. I’m fine talking casually in class but as soon as I have to stand in front with everyone’s attention on me, my body and brain goes insane. I have no control over what my hands do, if my voice decides to crack or not, or what part of my body the sweat decides to leave from, and I have to choke back the tears that want to escape from my tear ducts.

It’s awful. The hardest part for me to control when I am in front of people is my brain. I go up with the idea in my mind that I am going to blow it. My mind races and goes back and forth with the information that I want to share to saying “don’t be awkward”, “casual and cool”, “oh you messed up”, “give up” and those thoughts win almost every time.

I get so mad at myself that I start to beat myself up. I feel like I have nothing to say. That I’m not smart enough. That I sound stupid. I get frustrated that I cannot control my emotions and I start to cry. I ALWAYS CRY. All these lies flood in and I know that they are lies, but when I’m up there I am so vulnerable that it’s all I hear and all that I believe.

Then it affects me later as a person. I start to wonder if I am all those things. I become angry at myself and at people around me because of my own insecurities. I honestly feel like public speaking will be something that I won’t be able to conquer in my life.

I don’t have some amazing story that I overcame my fear of speeches. I want to be open and honest about what is going on right now in my life. Because things in life take work and it doesn’t get fixed over night or a few days. This will be something that I will have to put forth work and effort and take some things to the Lord. I’m not going to give up though. I want to fight this. I want to be able to stand in front of people and tell them how I used to freaking despise public speaking and encourage people to overcome it as well. That’s why I’m here to fight through the hard things and to help people.

 

Thank you guys for your love and support. Keep me in your prayers as I continue to be pushed. Love ya!!